Category: Let’s talk

Categories
Story Time Uncategorized

WHO MADE DAVID MAD? (EPISODE 3)

Alfreda had taken a seat at the edge of the bed while still laughing hysterically, she felt like punching David in the guts, maybe watching him double over and groan in pain would have eased the pain she felt at that moment. She touched her chest, moving her hand up and down her chest in a bid to calm herself. David stood there looking so confused and lost. The realization that she had been coupling with a kid who could not make sane decisions for himself and was easily pushed about like a wheelbarrow hit her like a wave. He has never made good decisions for them, she has always been the one looking out for them. How couldn’t she have known all this while? Is love truly, blind?
He just stood there scratching his brows, saying nothing.


“David? What game brought this ruin upon you? What silly game did you squander all our money on?.”

She was looking directly into his eyes and was at the brim of bursting into tears. Several minutes passed and David still had not said anything in response to the question. Her eyes widened suddenly, and she stood up abruptly and said,

“Don’t Tell me you gambled with all that money?” She got no response.

“Answer me David before I pluck your eyes out!” She cried.

His shoulders dropped, he sighed and said, “Something like that. It’s not really gambling, it’s just a sophisticated game of the rich. That is the name for it”


“Sophisticated game of the rich? Interesting. Tell me about it, Dav.”


“See Al, I thought I would be able to do it once, get a whole lot of money off it, and never indulge again according to how the leader of the group described it to me, it was supposed to be easy. I never knew it would turn out this way.”


“It’s no use crying over spilled milk Dav, and I have been patient enough with you at the moment, what the hell was the game you played?!”


“I’m not supposed to breathe a word of this to anyone who is not a member, for all I know there might be a monitoring bug on me, in my phone, or even in this house but since I am totally ruined, I have to tell you. It is called ‘the game of lords.’ It’s a large network of people and all the members are rich, I mean stinkingly rich but there are different categories of the rich there…those still looking for more money, those looking for pleasure, and the ones who make money off the other two. Ermm… we made bets on…on…peo…people’s life.”

He went silent, she saw his worried look and his eyes frantically searched her face for any reaction. What should she have done? Cry? Scream? All she felt like doing at that moment was laugh, laugh at the misfortune David had tabled before her and how unbelievable the seems. Maybe she’s been jilted by David. Maybe he was a jigolo who had planned to ruin her alongside his scammer friends all this while? She’s had become a victim of scam or… Her thoughts were interrupted when David asked,


“Are you okay Al?”


“Of course I am, at least your head is still intact. A very good evidence that I am still very okay.”

There was a long pause and she had to scream at him to continue.


“Calm down Al, I will” Another agonizing silence then he continued.

“We gather at THE NIGHT’s galore, you know that big apartment at the east side of Johnsbuggert City. At first, we were placing hefty sums on animal fights. Each night, we get to pick sturdy animals of choice to fight against opponents for the night, I noticed they were fed substances, I don’t know what it is but it seems like drugs, they said it is meant to energize them. The winning animal takes home the prize, and the other one ends up dead or gets shot dead if injured. I wanted to opt out because the sights of this were too horrific for me. But the anchor persuaded me that it takes getting used to and I was going to lose the money I have invested without a dime returned to me if I opted out that early, so I stayed and kept losing each game. I won on my fifth trip to the club but several games later, here I am about to be destitute.“


He paused, searching her face, she noticed the genuine look of concern on his face and she just shook her head and glared at him.
She had wasted years loving a foolish man.
He sighed and continued, “It got worse Al, after my first month there they started bringing in human beings and we started betting on humans, able-bodied men. I wondered why they were taking such a risk, my guess was they were sweet-talked and promised heaven and earth and a truckload of profit like they did to me. The GOATS, we call them GOATS, they also ingest the powdery substance before they wrestle. It was no ordinary wrestling, they wrestled one another until death. The rule of the game was ‘You kill or you die’ It was as if everything was programmed. They let you get comfortable and they show you their true colors… the bets on the animals were like an initiation into their group and there is no turning back…it’s like…like crossing the Rubicon bridge. I tried hard to escape, to opt out but I was completely damned.”


He coughed, took a glance at my face, and continued.
“All I could do was keep playing, watch the gruesome game take place, loose and lend more and more money from other members and keep watching all over again as they wrestle relentlessly with one another, clawing blindly and breaking bones with each blow, none of the two fighters must rest, any slight attempt to rest from your GOAT is inviting death from the opponent and you, the GAME LORD losing money and the profits, it became a routine. Believe me, I tried but I was threatened, they threatened to falsely accuse me of all sorts of crimes so, I had to give in.”


The ringing of Alfreda’s phone had jolted the both of them. She looked across the bed at her phone and saw that it was the alarm she had set for 4 pm. The time had passed so quickly and David was still telling her what seemed like rubbish and seemed like the truth at the same time.

“You gave in to empty threats? Just like that?” Alfreda asked, she was about to reach the limit of her patience at that moment.


“I wish they were empty ones!” He cried.

STAY TUNED FOR EPISODE 4

Categories
Let’s talk

JOLLOF RICE: WHICH AFRICAN COUNTRY MAKES THE BEST ONE.

Which African country makes the best jollof rice? This has always been a topic of discourse between citizens across African countries, especially Nigeria and Ghana. Jollof rice is an extremely savory dish common to African households. No African country has come close to taking the trophy for the African country that makes the best Jollof rice from Nigeria.

Nigeria has always been and will always be the country that makes the best Jollof rice. Although Ghanaians will always argue this fact. Jollof rice is about being colorful. The other African countries have only birthed their Jollof from what they picked out of other’s ideas.

Speaking of making Jollof rice with completely rich ingredients, and using the right process in making it, leave it for Nigeria, and Nigerians, they own it.
We are not talking about ‘sapa jollof’ here, where you’d just mix powdered pepper with water and pour in everything at once. No!
We are talking about a savory and rich-in nutrients kind of Jollof rice. The kind of Jollof rice you will eat and forget your date of birth for a moment.

To crown it all, Nigerians have successfully invented different types of Jollof recipes without having to depend on other countries’ recipes.

This variety of Jollof has made NIGERIAN an African country with the A-list Jollof. And here they are;



SMOKY JOLLOF RICE

Smoky Jollof Rice

Which one is smoky jollof again?
Nigerians can be funny while giving names to anything that was birthed or brought to life through their ideas.

But, you see this one, it is one of a kind. No other country makes it better other than Nigeria. This jollof got its name because it is prepared on firewood. Smoky Jollof is characterized by the way it is prepared, the unique scent of food that is almost burnt but not literally, and that savory taste that tells you it was made with the local means of cooking.


PARTY JOLLOF RICE

Party Jollof Rice

If you ask any Nigerian you come across what they see in party Jollof? Or what makes it stand out? They’d tell you party jollof is sweeter than any other type of Jollof and it is just the classic Nigerian Jollof Rice prepared at parties. It is the most popular Nigerian rice recipe and you will always see it at parties. It is easy to prepare.

MINCED MEAT/BEEF JOLLOF RICE


Minced meat/beef Jollof rice

Beef or meat Mince Jollof Rice is a tasty version of Nigerian Jollof Rice prepared with minced beef or ground beef.
It is common knowledge that meat-endowed Jollof rice has a paradisiacal taste. Nigerians will gladly use all kinds of meats, mince them into small pieces, and add them to Jollof rice to give you that sensational taste of chewing Jollof at the same time with small chunks of meat.

NATIVE JOLLOF RICE

Native Jollof Rice

I once came across an individual who thought this type of Jollof is made by native doctors hence, the reason why it earned the name. No, no, no.
Native Jollof is made with local cooking ingredients with palm oil as the main ingredient hence its name. In native jollof, you’d see locust beans, a lot of smoked fish, snails, and plenty of minced meat. It is another type of Jollof that made Nigeria the African country with the best Jollof.
Nigerians have a way of making people fall in love with their foods because this native jollof is another version that has managed to win the hearts of people at home and abroad.
Many times food vendors have sent this particular jollof outside the country to other countries.


COCONUT JOLLOF RICE

Coconut rice?
By now, you would be saying out loud ‘Nigerians and food 5 and 6’

This Nigerian food is called the Jollof with another dimension!
It feels good when your friends think you are serving them the good old Jollof but gbam, the moment the first spoon enters the mouth, you are sure to be rewarded with looks of pleasure from them as it gives them an entirely different sensational taste. It makes you feel good, right?
Yes, this looks the same as the Jollof rice but the aroma and taste are different making it one of those special Nigerian Jollof rice recipes.


These are some of the several varieties of jollof rice that have made Nigeria’s Jollof A-list compared to other African country’s Jollof rice.

Have you tasted Jollof rice from some other African countries? Compare any one you’ve tasted to Nigerian Jollof rice, in your opinion, let us know which one is better or the one you prefer in the comments section.

Categories
Let’s talk

NIGERIAN SLANGS THAT EXUDES POSITIVITY.

Have you ever wondered why it is peculiar to Nigerians to be positive when in extremely difficult situations and particularly in trying times when the economy of the country seems to be swaying on an imbalanced scale? Nigerians still manage to proclaim positivity when inflation is the order of the day, when the usual price for food and other things is raised to power ten, the instances when individuals’ usual budget is no longer sufficient and the budget needs to be increased which may lead to exhaustion of one’s income on a particular need i.e foodstuffs alone whereas other bills need to be sorted urgently, and in most cases, one has to be placed on hold for the other to be fulfilled.

Is it to mention the periods when heat is taking a toll but the power holding company who holds a solution to that refuses to let go of the electricity? Or is it the numerous times citizens get exploited by those in power and those placed in charge of protecting the citizens? Have you ever wondered why regardless of all these, we always stay positive? As for me, I believe this positivity is a result of having grown thick skin over the years, and the resilience that follows the near irremediable nature of most situations we find ourselves and the situation of the country.

Against all odds, with our unshaken faith and optimism, our watchwords are those that exude positivity, and you’ll find us chanting these words in the face of difficulty, every one of us conveying it in the languages, and ways we know best.

Some of these words and why they’re used.

Most of these words are usually two to three words or more joined together to form a phrase and they are mostly formed with pidgin English which not only makes them more distinct while being used but also outrightly unique. Some of these phrases are;


1. ‘E GO BE’

‘E go be’ is one of the exceptional phrases used to portray positivity. It simply means, “It will come to pass.” It is mostly used as a word of assurance amongst Nigerians to cheer up one another. Although it sounds playful and is mostly used playfully, it holds a deeper meaning than it seems.

2. ‘LAS LAS, WE GO DEY ALRIGHT’

This depicts “eventually, we will be fine” It is mostly used to proclaim that something good will come out of a situation eventually, or to assure ourselves or a person that no matter the situation, they’d overcome and be fine at last.

3. ‘GOD GO RUN AM’

This one holds an in-depth meaning, from the words put together alone, one can easily decipher that it means “God will grant a wish or request or God will take control of a situation” This phrase also radiates faith, hope, and assurance.


4. ‘GOD ABEG’

This is a plea to God and can be related to the one above in instances whereby people say “God abeg run this thing for me” a plea to God to speedily grant a wish or prayer. Nigerians mostly incorporate this while ‘catching a cruise’ that is while making a joke out of something. Take for instance couple uploading their lovey-dovey videos or pictures online or a person putting up a picture showing them accepting gifts or shopping stuff worth much money and several similar scenes, you’d see Nigerians commenting ‘God abeg’ on such media uploads. Although, ‘God abeg’ is used ambiguously nowadays, sometimes as an exclamation to a weird happening or to something funny.

5. ‘E DON LAND’

This means “it has eventually happened.” This phrase announces good news about a particular thing an individual has been looking forward to. It might be Good news that a visa has finally been approved, or collection of salary at the end of the month, or admission into a higher institution or a new job, and so on. Several people look forward to using this phrase to announce when good things happen to them.

There are numerous positive words put together that have surfaced over time just to keep our faith and optimism going strong.
Do you remember any other words such as the ones above? You can also contribute by adding them in the comment section.

Categories
Story Time

Who Made David Mad? (EPISODE 2)

Alfreda knew immediately she saw the look on his face that David was in trouble. Big trouble. He is not difficult to read especially when something is bothering him and somehow, she is always quick to detect just like this moment.

She took a step away from the window planes, and turned to face him,
“David, you can’t pretend nothing is bothering you, it’s all over your countenance and I know deep down that something is wrong, this was further rooted when you raised your voice at me over the phone today. what exactly is the problem? I need to know,” She asked in a barely audible and persuasive tone.

A low groan escaped his lips and he pushed himself up against the pillow. She noticed he was trying not to make eye contact with her and that made her more agitated.

“Al, I’m deeply sorry for raising my voice at you. I don’t know how to begin telling you this, I’m so scared and afraid. Saying this might cause a rift between us and I don’t want that, Al. I would be able to bear this burden alone,” He said while still making efforts not to make eye contact with her.

“David, you not speaking to me about whatever is going on means only one thing, and it is that you do not trust me. I need to know what is eating you up, baby. Do you know how I feel? As if you built a shell around yourself and you’ve withdrawn into that shell, shutting me out. What you seem not to know is, that I’m not happy when you are not, Dav. So please, talk to me,” she pleaded.

“Sweetheart… er hmm…you see…one thing I want you to know is that I will never intentionally hurt you, you’ve always been my rock, always been there when I need you most, you prioritize me over anything else even your career and I feel like I am the luckiest man on earth every single day and I pray earnestly to God that I do not want to hurt you cause I love you with all my heart, without you, my existence is meaningless, my life had a turn around when you came into it.”

At that moment She had struggled to even breathe as a blush crept up her neck and spread widely across her cheeks. Oh, how he has a sugar-coated tongue, he has always been that good with words, words that made her insides tingle.

She had snapped back to reality, beginning to get impatient and it seemed as if he was deliberately stalling time. Was he pulling her legs?

“Baby, I know all this, just share with me what has been bothering you.”

“Al, you see…ermm…,” He paused to clear his throat

“I have wronged you, all we have built is down the drain..be..be..because of my stupidity. All our savings are gone, I sold off my car and yours, and the owner is not yet here to pick it up because I told him to wait until I have informed you. I’m sorry I did not do so before going ahead to sell it. Al, there’s no hope of getting a proper apartment again, I sold my position at the office too, and I took out loans in my name and yours. We’re in a huge debt and we’re back to square one.” Then he went silent.

She said it! He was pulling her legs or he was simply playing a prank on her like the videos she has been seeing all over the internet nowadays where people play pranks on their loved ones while a camera was on somewhere across the room.

She had stood up to ransack every nook and cranny of the room, scattering things along her trail, looking for the hidden camera. Surely, this must be a prank or if it turns out not to be that, then it must be a dream.

“Al, take it easy, what are you looking for? You’re scaring me with your reaction. Al..Al..Al!”

She turned towards him suddenly and snapped,

“For God’s sake, where did you hide the camera? Where is the damn camera? I know all this is a prank but it is no longer funny, when did you start shooting videos for comedies, Dav? You know I hate surprises like this and you should have told me beforehand. So, where exactly did you place the camera?”

While doing all that, her heart was slamming widely against her chest. She had looked straight into David’s eyes and what she saw horrified her. She saw guilt, anguish, and woe.

“Dav, you were playing a prank, right? You were trying to see what my reaction to that news would be, right? Are you being serious?”

“Yes, Al. I’m damn serious”

Her throat had gone dry and painful.

She sat on the bed next to him and said, “It’s no problem, all you spent was for the investment of your start-up company, right? The one you started alongside, Jide? Is it not moving according to plan? Not to worry, everything will get into place soon. I know all this is to make our life and that of our children better and it’s not easy for a start-up company to boom immediately. We just have to trust God and put in more effort to make it work. Do you need more money, then? I can take out of my savings for you, baby”


“No, dammit! There was never a startup company Alfreda. Our lives are ruined!.”

“Our lives are ruined? Oh no, darling, you must be joking”

Suddenly, something had dawned upon her and she rushed towards her vanity table, opened the drawers, and ransacked it from top to bottom, she moved to their wardrobe, ransacked it, and still could not find the documents to both her car and his. She rushed downstairs and searched everywhere for her car keys but found nothing.

She had picked up the phone to call David’s friend, Jide, and cunningly asked Him about the start-up company and he denied having started something of such and even laughed at the idea of a start-up company.

She ended the call and put off her blouse to fan herself as a wave of heat came upon her from nowhere. The atmosphere had been cold but it seemed as if she was in an incinerator.

This is a dream and she needed to wake up.

“Somebody wake me up,” she screamed

“Alfreda!” David called rushing down the stairs toward her

“Get it together, Al you’re not helping matters, you’re rather Making it worse with your display. You know, I didn’t want to tell you. If I had known you’d go berserk like this, I wouldn’t have told you anything” He said with a straight face


“Make it worse? My display? You said that to me? You sold my car, spent all over saving, did all sorts of things and you said those words to me? I trusted you to know what you were doing but there was no company to start with. Oh God! I have been fooled. My head… My head is hot. Where did all the money go, Dav?”

She got no answer.

“What did you spend that money on before I go crazy? A mistress?”


“It was a game that was supposed to make me rich, The game took it all”

Right at that moment, she indeed went berserk

Then she laughed. She laughed like she never had in her entire life.



TO BE CONTINUED…

Categories
Let’s talk

FIVE NIGERIA MYTHS THAT SHOULD BE PASSED ON TO THE NEXT GENERATION

In a typical Nigerian home, there are stories our parents told that have lived with us through time and have been passed on from generation to generation and would likely still be passed on to the next generation.

Myths are told to scare or make one believe a particular thing does exist. Sometimes, it is told to make the recipient get something done or obey an order.

As much as there are weird myths, we can not fully conclude they contain no iota of truth.

The realization that all these myths are not so true came as we grew older, but deep down we know these myths would likely be passed onto our children.

Here are a few of these myths worthy to be passed on to the next generation;

1. A GIRL WILL GET PREGNANT IF A BOY TOUCHES HER.

At times, you would hear a young girl even a teenage girl saying; “don’t touch me o, my mum said I will get pregnant if I allow boys to touch me”

While growing up, we all were told this, and it instilled fear of unwanted pregnancy in both boys and girls as they already know the consequences of getting pregnant at an early age.

By now, we understood that this myth meant well as it was simply to make both boys and girls steer clear of immoral acts.

It is, however, one of the myths that should be passed on to the next generation as it easily passes across a message that cannot be said with actual words and a subtle way of educating young ones on ‘unwanted pregnancy’ early.

2. EATING WHILE STANDING MAKES THE FOOD STAY ON YOUR LEGS.

This particular myth automatically means once you eat while standing and the food stays in your leg, you will possibly experience hunger again, and in a typical Nigerian home, there is no food after you’ve just finished one.

This belief has made most kids heed the warning the myth passes across.

Eating while standing is a bad eating posture as it can also lead to discomfort from bloating, to cramps and gas.

This myth is one of those that should be passed on to the next generation.

3. ONLY SPIRITS SLEEP WITH THEIR LEGS ON THE WALL

As untrue as this might sound, it worked wonders in the sleeping posture of most of us especially when we were young as no one wants to be tagged a spirit.

Sleeping with the legs on the wall is considered a bad sleeping posture, one might develop an ache in the lower back.

It is undeniably one of the myths that should be passed on to the next generation.

4. SPIRITS WILL VISIT ANYONE WHO SLEEPS LATE

Some of us took this too seriously and hated sleeping late to the extent that as soon as the clouds turned dark we would have retired to bed for the fear of being taken away or visited by a spirit.

One advantage we got from this was it instilled a proper sleeping routine in us early enough.

Health-wisely, sleeping late itself is not advisable.

This myth should therefore be passed on to the next generation.

5. STARING AT THE SUN IS AN OFFENSE TO GOD

Once upon a time, starting right into the sun, a girl dared the sun to come down.

As silly as putting this into action is, we cannot deny that most of us have tried staring into the sun checking how long we can withstand its brightness.

This could probably explain why this myth came into existence.

This myth has also been of good advantage as it cautioned this act and has saved us the trouble of having to spend money on treating eye problems.

There are so many other interesting myths that have originated from Nigeria and have been passed on over time. What other myths do you know and feel should be passed on to kids as it might be of advantage to them? Let us know in the comment section.

 

 

 

Categories
Story Time

WHO MADE DAVID MAD?

Alfreda suddenly turned face up, she had been lying down on her seat in the same position for some hours. The movement startled the old man sitting beside her, and she heard him gasp in shock, she looked over at him, he had that “What did you do that for” expression on his face. She had to say something to appease the man or else he would unseat her and throw her out of the plane with his intense stare. “I’m sorry, I was feeling uncomfortable sleeping on my side,” she said.

Sleep has eluded her for days now.

She’s been on this plane for 8 hours and she still hasn’t slept even for a minute. It was no better on the ground and in the sky, she had thought it could only get better while on the plane. She was wrong.

The images that pop up when she tries as much as to close her eyes to get a little rest are gory.

“David is not here on the plane with you, you have to take a few minutes of sleep. Try hard. Get him the fuck out of your mind and rest a little. You know you deserve better than a man like him,” that voice that has always been in her head said to her. The voice goes on and off, it comes to either console her, motivate her, or like now, scold her

“You know what? Just keep shut! If you do not get what my fear is about. You are just a passing voice, you can’t even help me, just disappear this very minute,” she murmured to herself.

It is easier said than done. It’s not as easy as the voice makes it seem. David has somehow imprinted the fear of him in her.

The thought of David and what he said he would do to her engulfs her like cold as every minute passes by.

He is capable of doing the most unthinkable things, I know who and what he is.

Alfreda has had no peace like he had said since she packed her belongings out of his apartment three days ago and finally, out of town yesterday far away from him and his vileness. But why? She was the victim here for God’s sake! The victim of his psychotic behaviors! She turned in her seat for the umpteenth time and sighed heavily.

She had loved this man with all her heart, Where did everything go wrong? At the peak of their relationship, everything just came crashing down. One thing she knew was that she was not at fault because she made sure to make their relationship work as much as she could.

It was David who was the orchestrator of the downfall that befell their relationship.

At first, David had sunk their finances into the mud. They both had agreed to keep a joint account and save twenty percent of their earnings in it, be it from their monthly salary, from proceedings of their side gigs, or any other means. They were a live-in couple and things were going well and as planned, in fact, they had planned to move from their studio apartment into a bigger and more spacious apartment by the end of the year.

Then, all of a sudden the money in the joint account started reducing day after day. Anytime, she asks David about it, he assures her and tells her it’s for a project introduced to him by his colleagues at the office and they needed as much money as possible to kickstart and keep it running.

At the point when it became obvious that he was going to empty all they’d strived to save for the past three years, she became worried and had to call him to talk.

One day, she had reached out for her phone to call him. Picking up the phone to call him was a usual routine and she was used to it already and he was, too or so she thought. As soon as he answered her call, the next thing she heard was him yelling at her and saying what she could not process at that moment, and up till now, she still did not understand what caused that outburst from him.

“Hello honey,” she said as soon as she heard his voice over the phone.

No reply.

“How’s work moving?” She asked and got no reply from him again.

He sure could hear her well, she could hear him breathing heavily.

“What’s wrong Dav? Are you okay? Why are you not responding? You don’t sound okay? Is work tedious today? Should I come to drive you around town so you can cool off a bit?” A wave of restlessness came upon her when she still did not get a response from the other end of the phone. She was about to look for footwear to put on when she suddenly heard him speak.

“Look Al, I need you to know the appropriate time to call and not to call, your call just made me lose a fucking deal! You need to learn from other girls who do not use calls to disturb their man during the day and do better.”

Alfreda stiffened at the snap in David’s voice remembering that David was all charms when dealing with her, something must be wrong at work then. He had abruptly cut off the call. She would wait patiently for him at home and get to know what went wrong.

He came home very late that night but she did not question him, he showered, ate a little, went up to the room, and slept immediately. Thankfully, the next day was a weekend, David does not go to the office on weekends so she decided to bring up the matter the next day.

Alfreda stood up very early the next day, to sort out house chores so she and David could have time to talk without any distractions. She went back into the bedroom and saw David already awake. David is no doubt a handsome man. He was a tall, dark, athletically built man in his late twenties and very aware of his good looks and physique. That drowsy half-awake expression on his face every morning never ceases to make her heart flutter. As Alfreda closed the door behind her, she moved further into the room and made her way to the bed, she bent down to kiss David on the cheek and immediately felt a tingle spread through to her spine. David pulled her closer and attempted to deepen the kiss but she escaped his embrace and proceeded to open the window blinds. She knew if she obliged him, they would forget the issue at hand totally.

It was glaring that he had been avoiding talking about what had been going on with him.

She was busy dusting the window with her back still turned towards him as she said,

“David, you know we have to talk right? About what you’ve been up to this past few months. I deserve to be informed about it and no! We won’t talk about this later but right now.”

She could feel David’s eyes boring intensely into her back. And right there and then, she knew.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Categories
Let’s talk

Nigerians Must Stop Doing Weird Things for Politicians

One of the best feelings for Nigerian politicians is knowing they have people who care about them enough to go to any length to help them.

And love causes strange things to happen, but some people on this list like to go overboard. We need them to think more deeply before acting.

Election-related violence

Electoral violence is as old as Nigerian politics, and it’s unfortunate that the pawns of the game are still unaware that they mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. People who will be left to their fate after elections are the ones who physically manipulate the process in order for unqualified people to march into office.

The trend of electoral violence has dipped in recent election cycles, but those who haven’t gotten the message should realize they’re on a fool’s errand.

Fighting for politicians among your friends

As online political discourse has become more toxic over the last eight years, the trend of severing ties with longtime associates over support for politicians has grown.

The main appeal of democracy is that it allows everyone to voice their opinions responsibly without fear of repercussions, but this isn’t always the case between supporters from opposing camps.

Worse, the politicians for whom they are fighting these battles are publicly friends after the elections are over and don’t care about your private relationships. But there you are, cutting yourself off from your own friends.

Trekking interstate

Nigerian voters have upheld a strange tradition of doing interstate treks as a declaration of love for their favorite candidates. Suleiman Hashimu, the most famous of the trekkers, walked 750 kilometers in 18 days from Lagos to Abuja to celebrate Buhari’s 2015 victory. Buhari gave him a handshake and eight years of whatever Nigeria is now.

Dahiru Buba, another infamous Buhari trekker who walked from Gombe to Abuja with his legs in 2015, required financial assistance in 2020 to treat limb pains caused by his unnecessary walk.

You’d think that these consequences would deter future trekkers, but some supporters are already trekking from state to state in support of presidential candidates running in 2023.

Drinking gutter water

Voting for a candidate who goes on to win an election is always cause for celebration for most people. Most normal people would add an extra piece of meat to their rice or go out with friends for a few bottles of beer. But for Bauchi State’s Aliyu Muhammad Sani, Buhari’s re-election victory in 2019 was an excuse to take a full dive into a garbage-filled gutter.

Sani had promised to swim inside a gutter and drink drainage water if Buhari was elected, but perhaps this was the one time it was acceptable to act like a Nigerian politician and not follow through on a promise. To be more specific, swimming in a garbage-filled gutter is hazardous to our health and vision.

Showing your naked bum bum to the internet

Nothing prepares you for logging onto social media and seeing someone’s grandfather at the beach praying to God to help his candidate win. However, Ebun Oloyede, a Nigerian actor, did not consider this when he subjected millions of Nigerians to a video clip of himself completely naked, with a back view that no one asked for or deserved.

We’re pretty sure Oloyede hasn’t dedicated this much to a film role before, so why do it for politics? Let this be the last time, sir.

Categories
Let’s talk

Santa Claus, Our only Christmas wish is for a new Nigeria.

Dear Santa,

I’m writing this letter on behalf of all Nigerians. I’m not here to request an iPad or a car, though if you could, that would be fantastic (especially the car, as I’m sick of riding the danfo bus). No, this is a request for a better Nigeria.

Honestly, Santa, I have beef with you. How do you have the power to give people whatever they want (as long as they’ve been good), and you haven’t given me the better Nigeria I’ve been asking for? I’ve been a good girl for so long: I’ve stopped stealing meat from the pot in the middle of the night, I now do chores without complaining. Meanwhile, our evil Nigerian leaders continue to acquire new cars, houses, vacations, and so on. Is it equitable? Who are you on?

I’ve returned to inquire. And I need you to come through for me and other Nigerians now more than ever. 2022 has been a particularly difficult year for us. ASUU went on strike for eight months, threatening students’ lives. Some even abandoned school to start their own businesses. This year, the national grid failed more times than people at a Michael Jackson concert. Electricity supply was limited, affecting business and other aspects of people’s daily lives. The answer is yes.

Then there was the insane inflation. Food prices seemed to double every week. Santa, Double Chickwizz is now 1,500 (it was 1,000 at the start of 2022), can you believe it? One pack of Indomie costs 140 (was 70), evaporated milk costs 600 (was 300), yam costs 2000 (was 800), and one egg costs 100 (was 50). Do you see how we’re suffering?

Also, insecurity is at an all-time high, with people being laid off or owed salaries for months, the naira depreciating, SARS still operating, and no one has responded to the Lekki tollgate massacre of 2020.

If you’re wondering what our leaders are doing about these issues, they’re out there being actors, influencers, travel bloggers, content creators, dancers, and jokers, devising policies that will make Nigerians’ lives even more difficult. And that’s why I’ve come to you for help, Santa. Can you make a new Nigeria your Christmas gift to all Nigerians? We’ve seen enough shege abeg.

Categories
Let’s talk

How effective is juju (jass)?


Guys, gather around and tell your juju tales because I used to eat my grandpa’s juju’s eggs, urinate in their faces while I was at the shrine, and steal most of their money back then. 


Even worse, I would play with the juju, deface the shrine, beat them with a cane, and even throw them away. 

Even now, everything makes sense. They seem to be afraid of me, isn’t it? My brother and I go to a certain brook where we frequently swim to skulk in the underbrush every December. People typically do leave their offerings by this creek. You can trust me to consume all the sacrifices, including biscuits, Coke, Fanta, and occasionally rice and stew. 

We would pee on them, pull them off, and gorge ourselves on the fruits. Usually, these farms had pineapples and bananas that were ripped, protected with juju. Sincerely speaking, nothing occurred prior to today. Truth be told, ‘Na mumu dey fear juju.’

We West Africans would be on the Forbes list in full if this juju thing worked. But na them Bill Gates, Elon Musk and co dey there. Just so you know we don get new world richest man sha, him name na Bernard Arnault.

If juju is real, why aren’t we using it for our nation? You sef think am!

Last but not least, please refrain from telling me that this juju of a thing is true. I will not doubt anything juju again if you can show me that it is real by bringing it out in the open.