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Nigerians Must Stop Doing Weird Things for Politicians

One of the best feelings for Nigerian politicians is knowing they have people who care about them enough to go to any length to help them.

And love causes strange things to happen, but some people on this list like to go overboard. We need them to think more deeply before acting.

Election-related violence

Electoral violence is as old as Nigerian politics, and it’s unfortunate that the pawns of the game are still unaware that they mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. People who will be left to their fate after elections are the ones who physically manipulate the process in order for unqualified people to march into office.

The trend of electoral violence has dipped in recent election cycles, but those who haven’t gotten the message should realize they’re on a fool’s errand.

Fighting for politicians among your friends

As online political discourse has become more toxic over the last eight years, the trend of severing ties with longtime associates over support for politicians has grown.

The main appeal of democracy is that it allows everyone to voice their opinions responsibly without fear of repercussions, but this isn’t always the case between supporters from opposing camps.

Worse, the politicians for whom they are fighting these battles are publicly friends after the elections are over and don’t care about your private relationships. But there you are, cutting yourself off from your own friends.

Trekking interstate

Nigerian voters have upheld a strange tradition of doing interstate treks as a declaration of love for their favorite candidates. Suleiman Hashimu, the most famous of the trekkers, walked 750 kilometers in 18 days from Lagos to Abuja to celebrate Buhari’s 2015 victory. Buhari gave him a handshake and eight years of whatever Nigeria is now.

Dahiru Buba, another infamous Buhari trekker who walked from Gombe to Abuja with his legs in 2015, required financial assistance in 2020 to treat limb pains caused by his unnecessary walk.

You’d think that these consequences would deter future trekkers, but some supporters are already trekking from state to state in support of presidential candidates running in 2023.

Drinking gutter water

Voting for a candidate who goes on to win an election is always cause for celebration for most people. Most normal people would add an extra piece of meat to their rice or go out with friends for a few bottles of beer. But for Bauchi State’s Aliyu Muhammad Sani, Buhari’s re-election victory in 2019 was an excuse to take a full dive into a garbage-filled gutter.

Sani had promised to swim inside a gutter and drink drainage water if Buhari was elected, but perhaps this was the one time it was acceptable to act like a Nigerian politician and not follow through on a promise. To be more specific, swimming in a garbage-filled gutter is hazardous to our health and vision.

Showing your naked bum bum to the internet

Nothing prepares you for logging onto social media and seeing someone’s grandfather at the beach praying to God to help his candidate win. However, Ebun Oloyede, a Nigerian actor, did not consider this when he subjected millions of Nigerians to a video clip of himself completely naked, with a back view that no one asked for or deserved.

We’re pretty sure Oloyede hasn’t dedicated this much to a film role before, so why do it for politics? Let this be the last time, sir.

End Of The Year Let’s talk

Santa Claus, Our only Christmas wish is for a new Nigeria.

Dear Santa,

I’m writing this letter on behalf of all Nigerians. I’m not here to request an iPad or a car, though if you could, that would be fantastic (especially the car, as I’m sick of riding the danfo bus). No, this is a request for a better Nigeria.

Honestly, Santa, I have beef with you. How do you have the power to give people whatever they want (as long as they’ve been good), and you haven’t given me the better Nigeria I’ve been asking for? I’ve been a good girl for so long: I’ve stopped stealing meat from the pot in the middle of the night, I now do chores without complaining. Meanwhile, our evil Nigerian leaders continue to acquire new cars, houses, vacations, and so on. Is it equitable? Who are you on?

I’ve returned to inquire. And I need you to come through for me and other Nigerians now more than ever. 2022 has been a particularly difficult year for us. ASUU went on strike for eight months, threatening students’ lives. Some even abandoned school to start their own businesses. This year, the national grid failed more times than people at a Michael Jackson concert. Electricity supply was limited, affecting business and other aspects of people’s daily lives. The answer is yes.

Then there was the insane inflation. Food prices seemed to double every week. Santa, Double Chickwizz is now 1,500 (it was 1,000 at the start of 2022), can you believe it? One pack of Indomie costs 140 (was 70), evaporated milk costs 600 (was 300), yam costs 2000 (was 800), and one egg costs 100 (was 50). Do you see how we’re suffering?

Also, insecurity is at an all-time high, with people being laid off or owed salaries for months, the naira depreciating, SARS still operating, and no one has responded to the Lekki tollgate massacre of 2020.

If you’re wondering what our leaders are doing about these issues, they’re out there being actors, influencers, travel bloggers, content creators, dancers, and jokers, devising policies that will make Nigerians’ lives even more difficult. And that’s why I’ve come to you for help, Santa. Can you make a new Nigeria your Christmas gift to all Nigerians? We’ve seen enough shege abeg.

Let’s talk

How effective is juju (jass)?

Guys, gather around and tell your juju tales because I used to eat my grandpa’s juju’s eggs, urinate in their faces while I was at the shrine, and steal most of their money back then. 

Even worse, I would play with the juju, deface the shrine, beat them with a cane, and even throw them away. 

Even now, everything makes sense. They seem to be afraid of me, isn’t it? My brother and I go to a certain brook where we frequently swim to skulk in the underbrush every December. People typically do leave their offerings by this creek. You can trust me to consume all the sacrifices, including biscuits, Coke, Fanta, and occasionally rice and stew. 

We would pee on them, pull them off, and gorge ourselves on the fruits. Usually, these farms had pineapples and bananas that were ripped, protected with juju. Sincerely speaking, nothing occurred prior to today. Truth be told, ‘Na mumu dey fear juju.’

We West Africans would be on the Forbes list in full if this juju thing worked. But na them Bill Gates, Elon Musk and co dey there. Just so you know we don get new world richest man sha, him name na Bernard Arnault.

If juju is real, why aren’t we using it for our nation? You sef think am!

Last but not least, please refrain from telling me that this juju of a thing is true. I will not doubt anything juju again if you can show me that it is real by bringing it out in the open.