Whatever you want to call it—spooky season due to Halloween, ember month if you’re Nigerian, or whatever—we’ve officially reached the season when everyone needs to be on guard against touching stories.
I chose to contact the oracle (Old Nollywood) for some advice on how to be safe and maintain your head on your neck given the unstable naira and the impending election season.
Don’t date or get married to poor men.
When he said, “Ma lo fe broke nigga,” Professor Olamide wasn’t playing. Battle for your life. In movies like Billionaire’s Club and the original Living in Bondage, half the wives were married to impoverished men who had “potential.” The challenges in Nigeria are sufficient. Do not let a little love or passion cause you to lose your life. On this day, stay away from broke males.
Don’t go with your dad after dark.
Who knows, maybe the young child from Living in Bondage: Breaking Free might still be alive today if she had refused to go for a nighttime drive with her father. Therefore, politely inform your dad that you are not wayward and that only wayward people go out at night the next time he asks you to accompany him somewhere after 7 o’clock. What is the worst that may occur? Small disapproval?
Avoid attending parties with big campus girls.
When the large females from the university accompanied Funke Akindele’s character Suliat for an all-night party, they nearly used her head as an asun for demonic spirits. I will suggest that you remain in your hostel and concentrate on your studies now that ASUU has ended its strike in time for the scary season. Go to a party with dead girls and dull males even if you want to.
Keep awake at night.
I’d suggest staying awake the entire night in order to protect your life so that you can give the phony special effects juju a dirty slap when it shows up in your room. Witches only kidnap people who are sleeping in the middle of the night. Gbera!
Make a commitment to prayer
Nothing can’t be fixed with a little casting and binding, as Nollywood has demonstrated. You must therefore anoint your head if you want to maintain it. Join a church that follows the Bible right away, or even better, just become a pastor. Amen?
Eat nothing outside.
If you didn’t make the food with your two hands, don’t consume it, just in case you have a coconut head and entirely disregarded everything your mother has taught you since infancy. Now that crime is rampant, nobody can be trusted. Don’t let ojukokoro be the reason for your failure.
Don’t ever leave your place!
Tell me how someone will think to use you for rituals if you sit at home and go about your business. Who people observe from the outside will be found in calabashes. Therefore, avoid “we outside” yourself into a babalawo’s shrine during this eerie season.